*deep breath taken* im not sure why i logged on today to write but as usual its never because im feeling good. it is 11:30 and i have a major deadline for work and i cant seem to get anything done, not only do i not know how to do what i need to do but i am working with the slowest broadband connection EVER! and i just dont have the patience for it right now. yesterday i slept at 2:30 in the morning working and i did accomplish something- a small part of something bigger and now i have to finish it, but i cant. i am too sleepy and i have to get up early in the morning because im taking tuleen to the her pediatricians appointment (shes two today, and the love of my life… funny i was going to say center of my life but then stopped…. because i know that i take her for granted sometimes.. coming home to tired from work to deal with her sometimes..) and im going to have to take her to the office with me real early at 7, to try to get some work done before i take her to the dr and drop her off at mart amos.
i dont know if its the stress of this deadline or what, but i have had these thoughts before, of just quitting this job.. and staying at home and being a mom and having another child. i know financially it may be possible and i think of that alot and i think its what keeps me going at the job. but deep down inside im terrified that if i quit i will regret it, because growing up the last thing, the thing i promised myself i would never become was a housewife. but now that im older it keeps popping in my head. sometimes i imagine that i have some part time gig that i would actually enjoy, like working in a local artists art studio, just to keep me busy during the day while the kids are at school. and then i come back to my senses and think of how naive i can be at times, i dont have the luxury right now to think of what i want.. i guess i have to keep at it a little more, just till we get settled- get a house, get this business going started! then at that time, i hope!, ill be able to pay attention to what i want and need because i truly believe a happy, satisfied, fulfilled woman makes a home, a home.
i can say that i have grown that ive at least realized that i deserve this for myself, that i cant go on through life and just do whats the ‘norm’… so hopefully, if i keep at it i will realize what i want..
