Me Myself And I

 i will have a perfect day, thanks to you mr.reese.

yesterday morning i was sending tuleen to daycare in the morning as we got closer to her daycare we got stuck in traffic and as  i came closer to the daycare i noticed that there was an ambulance and i thought that something had happened to someone at the school. someone from the national guard was directing traffic to the other way,  she was a former classmate and so i asked her if something was going on at the school and she reassured that there wasnt but that i couldnt get through this way so i made the turn and came back and parked a few feet ahead of the school and from the accident. there were four cars involved, one was in the bush crumpled and its driver was out on the stretcher. i tried to get to tuleen not to look but she didnt even know what was going on. i dropped her of to school and on the way back to the car, passing the scene again, i inspected a little closer. the things i noticed had nothing to do with the physical accident but rather the surroundings. first of all i noticed how beautiful that road was and it so tranquil. there were leaves on the side of the road that were crumbling as i walked on them and above me the sunlight burst through the branches of the trees at just the right places.  and i noticed some flowers in the tangled bush;  trying to escape from the mess of dry greenery.  all this beauty and then a few feet away a woman, possibly dieing, on a stretcher with people passing her by going about their regular business and the sun still bright….

as i was walking i also remembered that this was the same spot that my mother got in an accident when i was about 6 yrs old. well she wasnt driving, my uncle was and it was my dads maroon volvo, two door, leather interior. … a horse was crossing the street and hit the windshield. i remember the horse went along and then the police came, but i dont know why i guess they ended up hitting another car or something. and on the way home , which was only a few minutes, my uncle was worried about what my dad would say and my mother was calming him down, saying it was an accident. when we got home and it was time for bed, i was telling my mom that i was afraid my dad would get mad and start to yell and she reassured me that he wouldnt because it was no ones fault, it was an accident.. my father doesnt understand the concept of accidents, or didnt i should say.. i know the first day of school was the next day because my clothes were set out and hung on the door of the closet. my white ironed shirt on the hanger with my tie set in the collar, ready for tomorrow. and the skirt with its thick straps on top of the shirt… my shoes, with socks inside, were under them. i remember this one fact because i was looking at them when they told my dad that they hit his car and ofcourse the yelling and screaming came after.. he was yelling at my mom, and ofcourse it wasnt her fault, but that was his fucking way.. she came in my room, crying  as usual, and told me that i had to go to school tomorrow and i needed to sleep. and i guess i eventually did but not without etching that night in my memory…

but going back to that spot it really was natural……

*deep breath taken* im not sure why i logged on today to write but as usual its never because im feeling good. it is 11:30 and i have a major deadline for work and i cant seem to get anything done, not only do i not know how to do what i need to do but i am working with the slowest broadband connection EVER! and i just dont have the patience for it right now. yesterday i slept at 2:30 in the morning working and i did accomplish something- a small part of something bigger and now i have to finish it, but i cant. i am too sleepy and i have to get up early in the morning because im taking tuleen to the her pediatricians appointment (shes two today, and the love of  my life… funny i was going to say center of my life but then stopped…. because i know that i take her for granted sometimes.. coming home to tired from work to deal with her sometimes..) and im going to have to take her to the office with me real early at 7, to try to get some work done before i take her to the dr and drop her off at mart amos.

i dont know if its the stress of this deadline or what, but i have had these thoughts before, of just quitting this job.. and staying at home and being a mom and having another child. i know financially it may be possible and i think of that alot and i think its what keeps me going at the job. but deep down inside im terrified that if i quit i will regret it, because growing up the last thing, the thing i promised myself i would never become was a housewife. but now that im older it keeps popping in my head. sometimes i imagine that i have some part time gig that i would actually enjoy, like working in a local artists art studio, just to keep me busy during the day while the kids are at school.  and then i come back to my senses and think of how naive i can be at times, i dont have the luxury right now to think of what i want.. i guess i have to keep at it a little more, just till we get settled- get a house, get this business going started! then at that time, i hope!, ill be able to pay attention to what i want and need because i truly believe a happy, satisfied, fulfilled woman makes a home, a home.

i can say that i have grown that ive at least realized that i deserve this for myself, that i cant go on through life and just do whats the ‘norm’… so hopefully, if i keep at it i will realize what i want..

i will never make millions, oprah will never have me as a guest on her show about womens accomplishments, i will never make the cover of wired magazine, and i can never weigh 125 pounds again! these are things that i must come to realize if i really want to move forward. sometimes i forget that i am actually living the life i always dreamed for myself when i was younger- a career, a family, a good husband (still dont have the house yet but its coming soon enough) and i look at what other people have, but NOT in an envious, evil eye sort of way- but rather in a why cant i be like that way. for example. why cant i be in a book club? (i read books all the time and i dont know why i would want to be in a bookclub but nonetheless… ) why cant ayman help me with the cooking? i want to go mountain climbing, or travelling the world on a tour, or go diving.  i want to study my masters (not really!) ……………………. ok is started out with a thought and i wanted to write about and expand but im too tired to do anything really!!! so ill continue whenever.