Me Myself And I

CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn’t want to give up power.

Arthur C. Clarke
English physicist & science fiction author (1917 – )

“take care” and then he mumbled something, did i hear right?? “love you” i was caught off guard and before he had the chance to hang up the phone i quickly said ‘ love you too” and then he hung up and so did i. it wasnt ‘i love you’ but it did have the words love and you and they were directed at me so ill take them.. i am 24 years old and my father has never told me he loved me, he always showed me he did but he never actually said it. i grew up in a old school home where parents didnt show their love. my mom and dad never told me i love you, they never gave me hugs, they never told me ‘great job’. i would see the kids at school getting hugs and kisses from their parents but i never got anything from my mom when she dropped me off, i dont blame her she had to deal with alot. its funny, as im writing this post i rememberd this one time my dropped me off to school- i was about 5yrs old- and i forgot something in the car so i was running after the car to try to stop her in time to get whatever it was i had forgotten- i dont remember what it was- and the crossing guard lady stops me and she asks ‘oh did ur mom forget to give you a hug and a kiss’. and i thought to myself what the hell is wrong with this woman, my mom would never do that.. and then she started to hug and kiss me and said ‘ill give you a hug and a kiss, here…’ … its so weird the small stories i remember from my child hood…

so my parents never told me they loved me but i turned out just fine… and then today my father delivered the bad news, his diagnosis, and then quickly mummbled he loved me at the end of the conversation as i was about to hang up but i caught those words…….

my relationship with my father has always been odd. and now that we found out he has cancer it has just made me analyze this relationship more than ever. i was always confused as to whether i loved him or respected him; there were times i hated him and times i really felt that i loved him but nothing can be so clear cut. he has always been, and still is, so kind to me but he never treated my mother the way she deserved and needed to be treated. today i spoke to my brother and he was telling me that baba was talking to them about mama- he told them that he had put her through hell for 25 years and that after all he had done she was still crying for him and scared for him, he told them that you wont always find that kind of woman….. it had taken cancer for him to figure this out, to figure out that my mother would do anything for him, anything to please him, antyhing to hear a kind word; to figure out that he really did put her through hell all those years. im positive that even after he very sincerely admitted that he put through hell he had only figured out the half of what he really did to her, he probably doesnt remember the little things he did that hurt the most….

when i would talk to mama, pre-cancer, and try to explain to her only a fraction of what i was feeling, she still had the heart to tell me that my father was the best father to me and that he loved me eventhough he didnt treat her well. she told me that the way he treated her shouldnt affect the way i felt about him..but it always has since as far back as i can remember… such a different point of view she gives me now, maybe if she had told me this when i was 7 years old instead of asking me if i loved my father with tearful eyes that begged me to answer no after one of their many fights, maybe if she had told me this then, i would be able to figure it all out… maybe not.

what i do know right now is that i do want him to get better and i really do hope everything goes ok and i hope and pray that he wakes up and he realizes what he has in our family…… and yes i do love him for being the good father he is to me, and only for that…..

my father has cancer.

maybe when i say out loud it’ll feel more real to me. i dont know whats next. we dont know what stage its in, we dont know what treatment hes going to have to do, we dont know anything. and the dr’s just prolong everything to make thier diagnosis; we have to wait till next week friday to find out what the plan is.. i wonder if its easy for the dr’s? he’s probably just another case, another patient, another cancer victim, a statistic for them..

they dont know he’s MY father..

i havent posted in a while so welcome back to me ive been too busy with work and taking care of the house and my family, its exhausting but honestly i really wouldnt have it any other way. who would want too much time on their hands? so i had a small break last weekend and a well needed and deserved one.

ive always avoided chinese food for my whole life, all 24 years! and now i know why, ive had two bad experiences with chinese food, i just didnt like their food.. almost everyone around loves chinese food but i decided it wasnt for me. but at the chinese restaurant i did have my first, and probably last, fortune cookie and it said “dreams are like the stars of your destiny” hmmm… i decided i need to snap this.. no more chinese food for me but the ppl at the restaurant were nice and i got to read about the chinese zodiac and found out i was born in the year in of the boar and ofcourse my fortune cookie experience