Me Myself And I

i get these weekly newsletters from americanbaby.com that i signed up for and yesterday i got one for my 23rd week of pregnancy. in the newsletters theres a section on what ur body is going thru and a section on how the baby is growing. when i read the section on what the mother goes thru during this time i couldnt stop laughing!!! it said that wild dreams are signs of a fertile imagination and body!! it also said that this is something normal and that many mothers to be experience this! which was a relief to me because i have been having some weird,weird dreams. case in point.. i dreamt that i had had an affair with jay-z (yes the rapper) while i was pregnant, with the knowledge of my husband. and i remember running around with jay-z and then thinking to myself how i was going to explain a black baby :S hehehehe….. another crazy dream i had was that somehow my 23 week old baby was taken out of my stomach by my husband and we could hold her in our hand. and we were looking at her and saying how cute she was. until i relized in the dream that i had to find a way to get the baby back inside so she can continue growing and i was yelling at ayman asking him how he took her out in the first place so we could put her back in i was so happy to read in that newsletter that these dreams were normal and that many mothers have weird dreams, because they were really bothering me.. well thats it for now.. my dreams are ok and im sane!

i love rainbows!!! they are one my favorite natural phenomena! i could be in the worst mood in the world but when i see a rainbow a smile just appears on my face and i dont realize the smile until my cheeks hurt from smiling throughout the past two weeks i had seen about four rainbows and each time i wanted to snap a pic either my cell needed charging or i didnt have my digital camera. then about a week ago i was getting into my car to go to work and there it was, right in front of me across the beautiful view we have, a rainbow. it was arched perfectly and so bright!! my camera was in my car so i took it out and snapped this pic. my camera will always be in my car from now on, so i can snap the bueatiful scenery here- the only good thing about this place!!

exactly one year ago a catastrophee occured. something unimaginable, something no one saw coming. a man walked into our familys wedding and blew himself up, taking his sorry life and stealing the lives of many others, one of them was aymans father…… ayman couldnt go to the funeral, it was exactly the next day anyway he wouldnt have made it in time. i feel so bad for him becuase he didnt get to say good bye to his father, he didnt get to see him and talk to him one last time.. until today ,and i think he will for the rest of his life, he has regretted not going back after the bombing happened. he loved his father and in my opinion he was closest to him. hes just like his father in many ways. he looks like him, acts like him, talks like him.

the day we heard the news here was a day i know i will never forget. i was in my office working on something and i remember through out the after noon i would think to myself about what they could be doing at the same momment. they were getting ready… gathering up at the house taking pictures… driving to the hotel… in the zafa… danching and having fun without ayman and i.. cutting the cake. sadly enough they only made it to the zafa before hell broke loose. i got a call at around four thirty here from my uncle. i was surprised that he had called me because he usually doesnt. he sounded paniced on the phone asking me if i was still at work and what i was going to do later on.. then he told me.. he told me that there was a bomb that had blown up in ashrafs wedding, he also told me that my father, mother and sisters were still alive, nothing had happened to them. he said ashraf and nadia were ok and so were amto and bashar and sido and sito… then he said, his exact words, ‘ 3ami khalid may not have made it’…. my head spinning, i coudlnt think straight.. bomb.. mother and sisters alive.. 3ami hurt…. glanced at my desktop 4:30.. and then i asked him about ayman!! i asked him if he had told ayman and he said that he was on his way to the gas station to tell him the news in person.. i wanted to go there and be by him but my uncle told me to go home. i remember i was shaking very badly.. i quickly gathered my things and went to the managers office to tell him that i had to go home early today, that it was important and he let me go- i was flustered when i went in to talk to him and the words coudlnt come out. afterwards, i got in the car and sped home, shaking the whole time.. i didnt know what to think anymore.. i honestly could not think… i wasnt crying yet, maybe i had shed a tear or two.. but i guess the shock stopped me from crying.. i got home and saw hanin there her face and eyes were red, she had been crying… i asked her what happened, what was going on? and she just hugged me, i broke down and started to cry then.. then we sat down, she told me her parents were ok too, they made it safe..

after that sitting i dont remember what happened exactly and in what order. i remember watching the situation room on cnn, they were covering the story.. i remember seeing my family and family friends on tv, looking in shock at the tv. swearing at wolf blitzer when he said the members of the wedding were jordanians.. we arent jordanians ass hole, were palestinian! …….. i  remember talking to ayman on the phone and what had surprised me was that his voice was the calmest i had ever heard it in my life.. he was going along with work as usual, i could hear him talking to customers. he didnt sound like he was crying, later on when he came home and we were lying down on the bed he told me he couldnt cry.. physically the tears werent able to come down. i also remember him telling him that he wanted to cry, he needed to, but he couldnt….. i remember family members in the states calling our house asking is this person alive, is that person alive, we heard that your father died… everyone was confused no one knew what the truth was. i didnt feel like talking to people on the phone. i remember one of my cousins had asked the most ridiculous question, where the bride and groom would be sleeping the night? who the fuck cares where they would be sleeping i thought to myself, i will never forget that she had asked such a question at such a miserable time… i remember i called hayatt at home and she thought i didnt know what was going on and she didnt want to tell me, when i told her i had heard she starting crying on the phone.. i asked about our family, who was alive who was dead but nothing was sure yet. in the coming three days we would find out we had lost 16 members of our family, the youngest was 9 years old. nadia had lost her mother, father, and two freinds… i talked to my mother who told me my father was making rounds at the hospitals looking for our family members, figuring out who was dead, who was alive, and who was critically injured…. i remember finding out for sure that 3ami khalid has died……..  i remember seeing ayman that night and bursting into tears when i saw him, i gave him a huge hug and told him yislam rasak but after i said it i felt so stupid because it didnt seem like it was enough to say that, it didnt seem that those words embodied the emotions that were going on that night. he hugged me back and told me it was ok, he was fine. he told me when he heard the news he had continued working. and then deep down inside i knew he wasnt fine……

those are my memories from  that day. everyone has their own story from that day and how they were affected by it.. no one will ever forget that day..

theres an aya in the quran “…Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. After a difficultly, Allah will soon grant relief.” (65:7)  i truly believe that today..

subhanallah life goes on, and we laugh and live. but those people who perished that day will not soon be forgotten, may they rest in peace inshallah..

terrorism has no boundaries, thats a lesson many people learned the hard way……………….