God took the better of the people

So that the worse could wake up and change their ways

But they didn’t, they just fell deeper into their own self gratifying demise.

If only their demise was their own, it never is, is it?

It always cascades, slowly but surely, to those closest

And what comes after the damage

Is unbearable pain.

But, at the end of it all

Forgetfulness is a blessing.

ive been blogging alot about politics lately, and anytime i do want to blog about something personal i always put a password on it. i am a very personal person and i dont like people knowing my business.

but this time i am not going to put a password, i am going to and leave it open to comments… not that it makes a difference to me. the reason i blog is to look back at all this later and see how i have developed.

i received astonishing news two days ago, i was pregnant…. it was a relief- because i thought something was wrong with me and a surprise- because it definately wasn’t planned. when the doctor came in and told me i was pregnant i looked at her and told her no am not… i was shocked.

so now after this initial shock i have a decision to make- an important one… come to think of it i have only made one major decision in my life and that was getting married to my husband, and am happy i made that right one. but that was the only real decision i have made in my life. everything else was sort of go with the flow with me. for example, in highschool and before i had planned to become a doctor, not nessarily because i liked medicine but because it was prestigous to be a doctor etc.. when i went to register for what i was gonna study, a family doctor talked me out of it saying that it was too difficult and what not.. so i quit.. i didnt want to be a doctor- or i didnt want it that much to give up all those years of my life. so what will i study? what do i like?? well the honest truth is i didnt really learn about MY likes and dislikes until i finished uni. i ended up studying IT because it was a new major, with great possibilities- not because i liked it. im a programmer now and i dont usually enjoy my job, some days are better than others- but maybe thats the way it is with all jobs. and now speaking about jobs and making decisions, i have to decide if i want to be a stay at home mom of if i want to be a career woman.

my two biggest fears growing up as a child and a teenager were marrying the wrong guy and living a life of misery or becoming like my mother- not that my mother is a bad person.. let me re phrase that becoming a typical housewife was my biggest fear.. so i vowed to my self i wouldnt get married till i was thirty! and i would never become a housewife, i would always have something more than a house, kids, and a husband. hmm well first vow didnt work! i married ayman.. and about the second vow, well thats where this whole blog entry began..

can i handle being a wife, a mother, a  programmer, a house keeper and being a woman… i dont know!

sometimes i think to myself, yeah i can do it. i have the support of my husband and with him we can work this out but then at other times i think do i want to have someone else care for my child, and see my child more than i see him/her. shouldnt i be the one who is there all the time..

and with me workin, lets not forget the financial aspect. more income and i have health insurance that is helping us a great deal- with all my doctors visits, and blood work and what not.

i am at a crossroads. the thing is no one is going to make this decision for me, i have to make it. and if i do stay at home, ill be doing something that i have forever avoided!! i guess when you grow up ur priorities just change but.. i am stuck… what do i want…….. hmmm i can imagine my mom going crazy if she knew that i was thinking of leaving my child in a day care- she wouldnt be a happy camper.. AND again look at what i do! i think of what my mom would think! am not thinking of what i want, THAT is my problem……….

u know what i am tired of typing…. and i need to get back to work.

i am sure i will have more to blog about later.

THE CNN Wire

Friday, August 11, 2006; Posted: 3:12 p.m. EDT (19:12 GMT)

3 coalition soldiers killed in Afghanistan

Quake shakes central Mexico

France, U.S. have agreed on final text for U.N. resolution

Fresh violence erupts between Sri Lankan troops, Tamil Tigers

Rice at U.N. to push for resolution

Iranian Nobel winner says government is cracking down on her human rights agency

Israeli defense officials order expansion of forces in southern Lebanon

NATO soldier in Afghanistan killed by suicide car bomb

Mideast resolution vote not guaranteed for Friday

U.N. convoy evacuates Lebanese troops, citizens and police

Sources say two suspects had contact with alleged al Qaeda operative

Lead in plot probe came from British Muslim community

Security Council extends U.N. Iraq mission by a year

Annan ‘working intensely’ to end hostilities in Lebanon by end of week

27 deaths in NYC tied to heat wave

In Mideast war, 861 Lebanese, 124 Israelis killed

U.N. refugee agency hauling tons of relief supplies to displaced Lebanese

British source: Original info about terror plot comes from British Muslim community

British Airways cancels several flights on Friday

British Home secretary: Terror threat remains critical

Israel hits Lebanon with more airstrikes

Israeli soldiers and Lebanese civilians wounded in fighting

Israel lists Hezbollah losses in leaflet

2 U.S. soldiers’ bodies recovered after crash

Intelligence source: Pakistani arrests help with British terror case

U.S. Embassy issues terror warning in India

Bank of England freezes funds of 19 terror suspects

Afghan, coalition forces kill three suspected al Qaeda members

Xinhua: Typhoon Saomai kills 81

these were the headlines today. and if u turn on the TV u get to SEE this mayhem. yesterday i just watched the news in shock- blood stained prayer beads, qurans on the floor, puddles of blood- pools of blood, on the floor like nothing. people yelling frantically, i mean where is this world heading too…. are we going to spiral deeper and deeper into all this violence and craziness, u think it cant worse than this but it really can. no one is safe anymore.. no one.

now those are the headlines. what are people actually reading or watching…. the top three videos on cnn are

1- Fisherman  lands a whopper

2- Cost of Winning: Fair or Foul?

3- Happy 25th Birthday for the PC
the second entry is not about the war, its about little league baseball!

everyone just goes on with their lives, i guess ppl think that people will deal with their own problems, why should they worry …………

am always writing about my sad depressing thoughts, i need to change that wave………………………..

i dont mean to be pessimistic but is peace really that simple. i wish and long for peace in palestine and lebanon. it aches me to see the continuous images of dead children and elders. of homes demolished. of people being misplaced. of aid workers digging for bodies under rubble.  politics is such a dirty, filthy game- morals and principles have no place here. i think when the powers that be want peace, peace will come. but each politician, be it american, israeli, or even arab thinks of their own interests at the expense of innocent civilians’ lives and continous, overflowing bloodshed.
Inshallah-God willing- there can be peace one day, one can only wish, hope and long for the dream.
Gods speed and may God protect and give strength and patience to the Lebanese and Palestinian people during this excruciating time.