her big brown eyes are my sunshine…. 
i say it out aloud to reaffirm it to myself!! and one more thing to reaffirm to myself.. I LOVE YOU!! i do, i love myself- with all the bad and good that comes with me.. and now that i’ve cleared my head a little, thanks to my venting and browsing other blogs. i can work.. now that i feel better i realize how dramatic i can be when i feel depressed.. or maybe its my period. in any case back to work or rather START work..
i cant help it.. i keep saying i want to blog when i’m feeling very happy but i hardly do, i always end up blogging when i’m feeling really shitty.. is it because i don’t feel very happy? so happy that i can’t restrain myself from typing into my blog, well come to think of it, yes i don’t feel that kind of happy anymore did i ever really?! there is really nothing that makes me ecstatic. nothing exciting is going on in my life.. but isn’t this how its supposed to be? doesn’t life just get into one big routine.
this is not what i wanted, this is the opposite of what i wanted. i really wanted the exact opposite. i did not want to live here. i wanted us to both have our nine to five jobs. i wanted us to come home and help each other. i wanted us to be able to go out at the end of the work week and to spend good time together on the weekends. i really thought and believed WE were different, i believed it like i believed in God. and when someone would say other wise, i just thought of how silly and pessimistic they were. but now i feel like the biggest LOSER, like the joke’s on me.
blah! blah! blah! complaining! complaining! get over it pls!! if i could slap myself i would!
to get my alone time, undivided, undisturbed… i wait till tuleen and ayman are asleep. i have the whole house to myself, peace and quiet.. i sit and watch tv sometimes, cruise the internet, read a book, do the dishes, or just sit there and dream.. I LOVE MY ALONE TIME!! and dont mind getting less hours of sleep because of it…
yes, yes i admit it….. at times, when in the office, to make it seem like i am so busy with work, so devoted, i huff and puff or say some obscure phrase out loud or even pound my fist on my desk, when in fact ive just been online or day dreaming or IMing ppl…. i did this before i even saw that re-run of seinfeld where george is doing the exact same thing, i couldnt stop laughing when i saw it.
i wish i could just stop eating when im full!!! ive come into this habit of stuffing myself until i literally have to undo the button of my pants and skirt, it is disgusting and if i keep at this then…. IFFTT!! i really cant wait till ramadan!!!
ayman had something to do in town so he called me and surprised me with an invitation to breakfast. i was happy ofcourse because we hardly do anything together anymore. the place was crappy and hot but the omelet was good and the fact that we sat on a table and chairs and ate breakfast from plates, as opposed to eating on the couch in front of the tv from the saniya, was satisfying enough. a nice little surprise that i seriously needed.
on jan 24 i posted a new years resolution post and since we’re in june now i figured it would be nice to look back and see what those resolutions were and how ive been doing. so ill just list them here and my updates on each one.
stop procrastinating: ummmm……..
be a little more patient with tuleen: i like how i am with her now. its an even plain of patience and frustration.. im a working (and ’single’ ) mom MOM, this is how we are. there is no perfection always happy go lucky mom.
patient with ayman: …. ill have to keep working on this till i die! this shouldnt be a new years resolution
try to advance myself at work: i dont know why i wrote this as a new years resolution.. ive come to the conclusion that work is just something i do for sustainability.. there are the good days, the great days, and the bad days. i do what i do, when i can, to the best of my ability, FULL STOP.
my father issues: nothing to say.. im so sick and tired about my father issues. as hard as it may be at times, im just gonna let it go.. KHALAS!
more spiritual, religous: not where i want to be but closer than i was.. again this one should be a life resolution not a new year..
i had mentioned at some point that i wanted to lose some weight. im not sure if it was a new year resolution or not but in any case, ive gained 5 lbs thanks to ayman’s love of desserts and his being home at the early evenings making me eat more.. after trying to diet about 4 times, i say screw it…. im just walking and excercising more, ramadan is coming up in two months so i know ill lose weight then and ayman will go back to coming home later at night so i wont be eating that much after i come home from work (i hope)..
blogging more: umm……
i always picture myself doing it. and it makes my blood boil and my heart beat and my palms sweat. the day i actually confront my father. i hate him for what he’s doing and i hate him for being so kind to me..
i will have a perfect day, thanks to you mr.reese.yesterday morning i was sending tuleen to daycare in the morning as we got closer to her daycare we got stuck in traffic and as i came closer to the daycare i noticed that there was an ambulance and i thought that something had happened to someone at the school. someone from the national guard was directing traffic to the other way, she was a former classmate and so i asked her if something was going on at the school and she reassured that there wasnt but that i couldnt get through this way so i made the turn and came back and parked a few feet ahead of the school and from the accident. there were four cars involved, one was in the bush crumpled and its driver was out on the stretcher. i tried to get to tuleen not to look but she didnt even know what was going on. i dropped her of to school and on the way back to the car, passing the scene again, i inspected a little closer. the things i noticed had nothing to do with the physical accident but rather the surroundings. first of all i noticed how beautiful that road was and it so tranquil. there were leaves on the side of the road that were crumbling as i walked on them and above me the sunlight burst through the branches of the trees at just the right places. and i noticed some flowers in the tangled bush; trying to escape from the mess of dry greenery. all this beauty and then a few feet away a woman, possibly dieing, on a stretcher with people passing her by going about their regular business and the sun still bright….
as i was walking i also remembered that this was the same spot that my mother got in an accident when i was about 6 yrs old. well she wasnt driving, my uncle was and it was my dads maroon volvo, two door, leather interior. … a horse was crossing the street and hit the windshield. i remember the horse went along and then the police came, but i dont know why i guess they ended up hitting another car or something. and on the way home , which was only a few minutes, my uncle was worried about what my dad would say and my mother was calming him down, saying it was an accident. when we got home and it was time for bed, i was telling my mom that i was afraid my dad would get mad and start to yell and she reassured me that he wouldnt because it was no ones fault, it was an accident.. my father doesnt understand the concept of accidents, or didnt i should say.. i know the first day of school was the next day because my clothes were set out and hung on the door of the closet. my white ironed shirt on the hanger with my tie set in the collar, ready for tomorrow. and the skirt with its thick straps on top of the shirt… my shoes, with socks inside, were under them. i remember this one fact because i was looking at them when they told my dad that they hit his car and ofcourse the yelling and screaming came after.. he was yelling at my mom, and ofcourse it wasnt her fault, but that was his fucking way.. she came in my room, crying as usual, and told me that i had to go to school tomorrow and i needed to sleep. and i guess i eventually did but not without etching that night in my memory…
but going back to that spot it really was natural……
