i really dont need anything else to think about. i already dream and imagine and build our life over and over in my head. i dont need anymore factors to comtemplate. but here it is, another factor! i hope it goes through, this is big. life changing. it could be ‘the thing’ i feel is missing. but we wont find out at least, at least for another week. this is drving me nuts. i cant help it, i have to imagine and dream!!!!
i am so sleepy right now, i just want to go home.
i realized today that it has been a while since i last blogged. and now i really dont know if i have anything worth saying.. i mean life goes on, and each day passes. i keep doing the mundane things everyone does, work home clean. i guess this is life. i will note one thing though, how quickly time passes. this year makes it 5 years that ive been married- meaning five years and we’re still living in the apt, 5 years and im still at my same job, 5 years and i still struggle with praying.. 5 YEARS!!! i remember when i was younger 5 years seemed so long!! i dont know if it was in relation to my age that it seemed longer, or maybe there is a saying of the prophet i believe, that time goes by faster, that it no longer has blessings, not blessings. this is not what i want to say, but this is the literal translation of the word used in arabic, baraka. theres more to baraka than blessings.. but in any case, that time no longer has value and blessings and it just passes us by without realization. and i feel this everyday, and i dont know what to do about it. if it wasnt for tuleen i dont know what wouldve happened to me, she really lights up my world (very cliche but true).
u know what’s frustrating, and i just realized this.. i’ve been blogging about the same themes for all these years, i’ld like to think that i’ve grown and maybe i have in some way i’m missing something in my life, i dont know what it is. but when i do, ill definately let u know. and now i have to go back to work, which is how i end most of my posts, which by the way has gotten better, sometimes i still bitch about it and just this december i thought i had an epiphany and had figured out what was “missing” or “wrong” with my life- but it turned out it was just a point in life where i got tired of the routine of work but when i went back (after Xmas break) to work it was better and satisfying.
her big brown eyes are my sunshine…. 
i say it out aloud to reaffirm it to myself!! and one more thing to reaffirm to myself.. I LOVE YOU!! i do, i love myself- with all the bad and good that comes with me.. and now that i’ve cleared my head a little, thanks to my venting and browsing other blogs. i can work.. now that i feel better i realize how dramatic i can be when i feel depressed.. or maybe its my period. in any case back to work or rather START work..
i cant help it.. i keep saying i want to blog when i’m feeling very happy but i hardly do, i always end up blogging when i’m feeling really shitty.. is it because i don’t feel very happy? so happy that i can’t restrain myself from typing into my blog, well come to think of it, yes i don’t feel that kind of happy anymore did i ever really?! there is really nothing that makes me ecstatic. nothing exciting is going on in my life.. but isn’t this how its supposed to be? doesn’t life just get into one big routine.
this is not what i wanted, this is the opposite of what i wanted. i really wanted the exact opposite. i did not want to live here. i wanted us to both have our nine to five jobs. i wanted us to come home and help each other. i wanted us to be able to go out at the end of the work week and to spend good time together on the weekends. i really thought and believed WE were different, i believed it like i believed in God. and when someone would say other wise, i just thought of how silly and pessimistic they were. but now i feel like the biggest LOSER, like the joke’s on me.
blah! blah! blah! complaining! complaining! get over it pls!! if i could slap myself i would!
to get my alone time, undivided, undisturbed… i wait till tuleen and ayman are asleep. i have the whole house to myself, peace and quiet.. i sit and watch tv sometimes, cruise the internet, read a book, do the dishes, or just sit there and dream.. I LOVE MY ALONE TIME!! and dont mind getting less hours of sleep because of it…
yes, yes i admit it….. at times, when in the office, to make it seem like i am so busy with work, so devoted, i huff and puff or say some obscure phrase out loud or even pound my fist on my desk, when in fact ive just been online or day dreaming or IMing ppl…. i did this before i even saw that re-run of seinfeld where george is doing the exact same thing, i couldnt stop laughing when i saw it.
i wish i could just stop eating when im full!!! ive come into this habit of stuffing myself until i literally have to undo the button of my pants and skirt, it is disgusting and if i keep at this then…. IFFTT!! i really cant wait till ramadan!!!
ayman had something to do in town so he called me and surprised me with an invitation to breakfast. i was happy ofcourse because we hardly do anything together anymore. the place was crappy and hot but the omelet was good and the fact that we sat on a table and chairs and ate breakfast from plates, as opposed to eating on the couch in front of the tv from the saniya, was satisfying enough. a nice little surprise that i seriously needed.
on jan 24 i posted a new years resolution post and since we’re in june now i figured it would be nice to look back and see what those resolutions were and how ive been doing. so ill just list them here and my updates on each one.
stop procrastinating: ummmm……..
be a little more patient with tuleen: i like how i am with her now. its an even plain of patience and frustration.. im a working (and ’single’ ) mom MOM, this is how we are. there is no perfection always happy go lucky mom.
patient with ayman: …. ill have to keep working on this till i die! this shouldnt be a new years resolution
try to advance myself at work: i dont know why i wrote this as a new years resolution.. ive come to the conclusion that work is just something i do for sustainability.. there are the good days, the great days, and the bad days. i do what i do, when i can, to the best of my ability, FULL STOP.
my father issues: nothing to say.. im so sick and tired about my father issues. as hard as it may be at times, im just gonna let it go.. KHALAS!
more spiritual, religous: not where i want to be but closer than i was.. again this one should be a life resolution not a new year..
i had mentioned at some point that i wanted to lose some weight. im not sure if it was a new year resolution or not but in any case, ive gained 5 lbs thanks to ayman’s love of desserts and his being home at the early evenings making me eat more.. after trying to diet about 4 times, i say screw it…. im just walking and excercising more, ramadan is coming up in two months so i know ill lose weight then and ayman will go back to coming home later at night so i wont be eating that much after i come home from work (i hope)..
blogging more: umm……
